I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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