Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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