i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
