i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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