How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
