i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
