Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
