i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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