i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
