Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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