then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
