Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
