Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
