Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
