Everything about him screamed your future.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think people are normalizing furries
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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