someone threw a dead crab at me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
