Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize