New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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