i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
