wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
even my farts smell like vagina
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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