JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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