did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
