I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Iām going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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