I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
