K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
