I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
