okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
