walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
