Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
