everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
