Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
