A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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