Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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