She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
