Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
