i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
