I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
