the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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