dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
