saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
