she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
