His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
