I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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