I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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