omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
