i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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