Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
