I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
