He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
