My Higher Power is John Stamos
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
