My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
