Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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