I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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