I'm so fucking centered right now
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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