just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
