Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
