Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
